A comprehensive guide to an ethical hoe phase
That’s the urban dictionary’s definition of a hoe phase, and it's pretty much the same as mine. While some people strictly define it by sexual activity, in this “age of social media '' as my parents like to say, it's safe to assume that we can all relate with aggressively flirting with multiple people that we have no intention of ever moving forward with. That’s the hoe phase, right there.
People have hoe phases for a lot of reasons. Most people’s hoe phases happen after a traumatizing life event of the romantic nature, so the catalyst is typically breakup/heartbreak induced loneliness. Sometimes, it's boredom from being single for too long, and a willingness to get back into the streets, and sometimes it just is, it's happening, and that’s that.
One thing to remember is that a hoe phase is like boot cuts, it comes back in style. So you can have a lot of them over the course of your lifetime in the streets. And because I do not judge, and in fact actively support hoe phases in general (they can be fun), my emphasis today will be on the “guide” and the “ethics” of things. Basically, how can you have a satisfying hoe phase without leaving a string of broken/traumatized hearts in your wake. So here goes something.
Accept that you’re in a hoe phase - Shhhh… don’t fight it, don’t struggle. I know you feel the urge to say that you’ve been there, done that and you’ve grown, but the thing is you’re back in the mud again. Acknowledge that and own it. Maybe even try to have a little fun while you’re at it. But please, accept it. Accepting it also allows you to make peace with yourself and concentrate your energy on paying attention to your feelings so that you know when it’s time to move onto the next thing. How to know you’re in the hoe phase? Sample scenarios below;
You’ve met “a really great person” every two weeks, for more than 3 months in a row.
You say “who’s asking?” when your friends ask you if you’re single.
You find yourself feeling overwhelmed by romantic-adjacent obligations from people you’re “talking” to.
You have the energy to actively text, and update multiple people you’re attracted to about minute details of your everyday life, for weeks.
You’re surrounded by a lot of “friends” you would sleep with given the opportunity.
Communicate, clearly - This one is tough, I won’t even lie. Because saying something is one thing, having the other person actually understand what you mean is a different issue. If you find yourself thinking that saying nothing is the better option, because you’re a ghoster, here’s some sample text below you can copy for different scenarios. Simple, concise one-liners and you can even ghost right after sending it. The person will know you’re a clown fr fr, but at least it’s ethical.
Your ex came back to beg and you’re taking them back - “My ex and I have been talking and we want to see how things will progress.”
Things are getting serious with one of your other hoes - “I met someone and things are getting serious and we want to see how things will progress.”
You’re tired of them and you want to rest - “I want to talk to you about our relationship and what we both want out of it.”
Communicate in a timely fashion - When you communicate is as important as how you communicate. Basically, WHEN you send those one liners in 2 above matters. Anyway, you’ll know you have dropped the ball on timely communication when someone sends you any of the following messages below. At this point, it’s too late for you, and I will advise you to follow steps 5-6 to get out of that mess.
“What are we?” - You’ve let it drag on for too long, dumbass.
“You have been quiet lately”, and its many variants - This one is tricky because if you’re a people-pleaser like me, you would be tempted to start being more present. But I promise you, it’s over and it will end in tears. Just refer to 2.3 above.
Don’t misrepresent your time or interest - Make it clear what you can bring to the table. And honestly, truly, if you’ve accepted that you’re in the hoe phase, you’re not bringing anything. So please make that clear. If they talk about a future, don’t partake, if they want to take pictures, say no. On this last one, I have to say that it is particularly painful for me because of the really stunning boy I met a while ago and who took great photos that are useless to me because we now hate each other. It’s really not worth it. So here’s some sample scenarios for this and what to say/do;
What are you doing “at-some-date-more-than-3-months-into-future”? - You may be tempted to be optimistic about this not-so-subtle question but you’ve read this guide now so you have no excuse. Say “That’s really far ahead. I don’t really plan that far ahead”. And leave it there. Don’t backtrack, you coward.
Do you want to go out for drinks this week? - For this, you get a pass if you say yes because you’re super lonely. But please don’t say yes because you don’t want to be rude, and then panic cancel on the day-of. (Yes, this is mad specific because I've been through it.)
Asks to complete 36 questions to bring you closer - Say that you really like organic methods of getting to know people and don’t want to rush.
Disengage slowly - What I’m saying here is DO NOT GHOST. Like seriously, it's not that deep, they won’t beat you up and they will still hate you whether you ghost or not, so just say something. Even though communicating is really tough for you, and you’re scared they won’t take it nicely, and you don’t really know what to say, please say something. Because it’s going to hurt to hear it - that’s why your people-pleasing ass doesn’t want to say it - but it won’t hurt forever. And in the middle of the whirlwind of painful/uncomfortable emotions that being rejected will trigger in them, what you said or didn’t say to end things, will matter. Be considerate.
Be nice - It’s a hoe phase, not demon time, so for the love of God, be nice. I know you might think that because there are no strings you have to be a witch, but ko necessary. Feed your hoes if/when you can, help them out with serious, life things if the need arises. Give them recommendations to restaurants you like, introduce them to new brands, music, art, food, etc. Leave a legacy in their life, like the boy who bought me blue skies mango ice cream and changed my life in a new city forever.
Only put yourself first aka be selfish when you have no other choice - If you’re like me and self-preservation at all costs is your motto, then by all means, disregard the rules and do you. I don't know your life. You will feel like shit later on but I hope you learn to forgive yourself like I did.
So there you have it, a comprehensive guide to an ethical hoe phase. Hit the share button if there’s someone you really think needs to see this. And if there’s some stuff you want to get off your chest, or you think I missed some tips, you can drop a comment, or message me directly on telegram - @ayellowplace.
P.S: I don’t believe that “hoe phases” are actually real because the concept of “hoes” in popular culture is rooted in misogyny, and I believe that people should participate in as much safe sexual activity with as many partners as they choose, whenever they want.
what I’ve been watching
It’s a Sin
June is pride month, so this show is at the top of my list! It’s a deeply moving story that follows the lives of young, queer people in London in the 80’s and 90’s at the height of the HIV/AIDS crisis. This is one of those shows that balances being artistic, witty, and delightful with passing a political message across and so that endears it to me. It’s also very similar to a really amazing book (The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai) I read a few years ago.
Seven
Gave me all the feels I needed because I’ve been a little homesick. The movie also gets bonus points for being a really good action movie (fr, watch it) and starring Efa Iwara and Richard Mode-Damijo.
Girsl5eva
Hands down the funniest show I have seen in recent times. It doesn’t take itself very seriously, and also has really, really amazing original music.
We are Lady Parts
This one is sooooooo good that the next newsletter will be a review piece dedicated to the show, so go ahead and watch it.
what I’ve been reading
Ughhhh the same as last time, I won’t even lie. My longform reading has been in the gutter lately. Buttttttttttt a friend sent me this really great newsletter/blog where this guy, his name is David MacIver, writes about pretty much everything in a way I find very fascinating. I told my friend that it’s what I want this newsletter to be when it grows up.
what I’ve been listening to
Love & Light.
P.S: This is probably the longest one yet, so if you made it all the way down here, I want to say thank you and I hope you enjoyed something in this week’s newsletter. Don’t forget to subscribe and share!
This is indeed very comprehensive. I like that it included message templates, so freaking helpful 😂.
My own one rule when I was in my last hoe phase was that everyone knew they were a passing fancy. Like once I found someone attractive, I'd work in the fact that "I'm on the streets and having the time of my life!" Ironically no one ever left because of that. It seems they took it as a weird challenge to 'love me off my hoe phase'. But this left me with no obligation to text back or lie. "Hey dude, you want to hang? Sorry, I'm out with someone else and won't be coming back tonight. Maybe some other time". Lool.
Great piece though. Now I'm going to watch your movie recommendations.